Walang Lihim na Hindi Nabubunyag « Mangahon o Magpakahon?

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Walang Lihim na Hindi Nabubunyag

August 1, 2008

O di ba? Pamagat pa lang, gasgas na.

Simple lang ito. Noon, sa isang klase sa pagsulat na puro palihan, pinipilit kaming magsulat nang magsulat patungkol sa sarili hanggang sa maubos ang lahat lahat ng puwede naming maisulat. Ginawa namin ito para makaalis na kami sa paloob na pagsusulat. Sa madaling salita, para makapagsulat na kami ng may katuturan na tutumbok sa mga diskursong panlipunan.

Pero hanggang ngayon, sa tingin ko hindi pa ubos ang lahat ng puwede kong maisulat tungkol sa akin. Sa tingin ko nga marami pa, kahit na nakasusulat na naman ako kahit papaano ng mga akdang hindi lamang tinitingnan bilang sining o akda. At dahil nga paalis kami para sa final rites ng aplikasyon ko sa UP Ugat (hindi ko alam kung makababalik ako ng buhay, ha-ha-ha), nais ko muna maisulat ito, para may nagawa akong makabuluhan.

Kaya heto, heto ang ilang lihim (na ako o iilan lang ang nakakaalam), tungkol siyempre, sa akin:

1. Noong bata ako, madalas akong umiyak kapag nalaman kong aalis ang tatay ko sa bahay. At hindi lang basta iyak ha, talagang hagulgol at may kasama pang pagwawala. Noon kasi, madalas ay ginagabi ang tatay ko. Kinakailangan niyang umalis habang tulog pa ko, dahil kapag inabutan ko siya na paalis, tiyak ‘yun, sasabog na ako. Kapag nakakaalis naman siya ng matiwasay, sa gabi naman, naiinip ako sa pagdating niya. Kaya hayun, magsisimula na ‘yung ritwal ko noon. Parang may kinakatay na baboy sa bahay namin. Hindi rin nakakatulong iyong mga sinasabi sa akin para tumahan, ‘yung mga linya tulad ng “tumigil ka, magagalit ang kapitbahay.” o “wag ka na umiyak, sige, darating ang pulis.” at iba pang panakot. Kapag naririnig ko ‘yun, lalo ako umiiyak, lalo ko pa nilalakasan na naglalabasan na lahat ng litid ko sa leeg, at lalo pa kong nangangalampag ng dingding, mesa, upuan, at pinto.

2. Paborito kong mapansin ‘yung pagkakatagni-tagni ng mga simpleng pangyayari. Halimbawa ganito, hihikab ako, tapos hihikab din ‘yung katabi ko, tapos hihikab din ‘yung nasa tapat niya na mataas naman ang energy at patawa-tawa pa. Nakakatuwa tingnan iyong ganoon, kahit na hindi ko naman alam kung may siyentipiko bang eksplanasyon iyon dahil hindi ko pa naman nasasaliksik. Sino ba naman kasi ang mag-aaksaya ng panahon sa pag-aaral ng pagkahawa sa paghikab di ba? Hindi lang ‘yun, paborito ko rin ‘yung hawa sa pagngiti, ngisi, o tawa.

3. Sa MRT, kailangan ako makaupo sa ispesipikong lugar at sa ispesipikong couch ng train. ‘Pag hindi doon, hindi na ako sasakay.

4. Kapag umiinom ako ng maraming alak o serbesa, nagkakaallergy ako sa palad. Ang tawag ko roon, pikachu, para kasing nag-eevolve ‘yung palad ko. Sobrang pula at sobrang kati. Tapos noon, magbabalat ‘yung palad ko, at isang buwan iyon bago matapos. Oo, isang buwan kong binubuno ang pagbabalat ng palad, ang hindi kaaya-ayang hitsura nun, ang hapdi ng mga natutuklap na balat, at ang hirap humawak ng kung anumang bagay. Kaya kapag nag-iinom ako kasama ang sinuman, madalas, tumatanggi na akong magpakalasing talaga at uminom ng marami. Lagi kong sinasabi, “Pre, ayoko magkapikachu ngayon.” Tapos tatawa sila. O kaya sasagot ng “Pre, pikachu lang ‘yun!”

5. Maselan ako sa oras. Kung maaari, kailangan lahat eksakto at kailangan lahat nakaplano. May mga ritwal akong pansariling sinusunod. Kapag may ibang tao na nakatapak at nakasira ng schedule ko, madalas, nag-iinit ang ulo ko. Pero kung ako naman ang nagdesisyon na sirain ito, ayos lang. Tapos may kuwentong buhay na ganito: Dati kinakailangan ko magpagsising para mag-ayos sa pagpasok sa klase. Kailangan 4:40 ng umaga, gigisingin na ako, tapos tatayo na ako, tapos bababa ng hagdan namin, tapos uupo sa sala ng limang minuto para bumuwelo. Pero hindi laging perpekto sa lahat ng araw. ‘Pag lumalagpas kahit limang minuto ang paggising sa akin, nagwawala na ako. Lagi akong pasigaw na nagsasalita ng “Bakit ngayon n’yo lang ako ginising?!” tapos magdadabog na ako na parang ayoko na pumasok at hindi na tama ang time schedule ko. Madalas nga, hindi na talaga ko pumapasok at inaaway ko lang ang lahat ng tao sa bahay, lalo na ‘yung dapat gumising sa akin. Buong araw na mamamaga ‘yung mata ko, at mauubos ‘yung boses ko kakaiyak. Ganoon, ganoon ako kabait.

6. Ayoko kay Toni Gonzaga at sa chinichismis na peke niyang suso. Bakit ba? E basta ayoko sa kaniya. Hindi ako natutuwa at nagagalingan.

‘Yan muna. Ayoko ng masyadong mahabang post. Tingnan n’yo na lang kung ano diyan ang totoo at kung ano ang piksyon. Baka naman kasi may inimbento lang ako sa mga iyan.

Bilang pangwakas, gusto ko i-quote si Ser Jun Cruz Reyes na naikuwento lang naman din na sinabi niya raw ito: Noong panahon ng Martial Law at hinuli si Ser, tinanong siya kung totoo ba raw ‘yung mga sinulat niya, ang sagot ni Ser: “Aba, don’t ask me. I’m a fictionist. I’m not capable of telling the truth.”

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